Thanksgivings

Are you excited/ready/wanting to go back?

I’ve been asked that question a few times recently. And it is not referring to returning to America…..but to Haiti. As in, I am in America right now. I have been home for just over two weeks and have just booked my tickets to fly back to Haiti early next week. I returned home abruptly when I found out that my precious grandma was diagnosed with a terminal pancreatic tumor. She died one week later. I am so grateful that I was able to spend her last few days with her, surrounded by family. Those moments were very memorable.

 

Grandma and me at the airport before I left for Haiti

 

My first moment with Grandma when I arrived home from Haiti

 

I am thankful to God that she is home in heaven now, in His presence. I am thankful to God for the staff at COTP who allowed me and encouraged me to leave for home on such short notice. I am thankful to God for technology and transportation that makes it easy to get home and makes the world feel smaller. I am thankful to God for family to comfort and reminisce with. I am thankful to God for friends who have been so supportive. Those were my thanksgivings this past week. And as I prepare to return to Haiti, I am reminded of so many others: I am thankful to God for the reality that I don’t have to worry about clean water, my next source of food, accessible health care, a comfortable place to live and dry place to sleep….things most people would label as basic necessities. Even where I am living in Haiti, I have those things. But the majority of the people that live outside the walls of our compound don’t . My reality is not their reality. Oftentimes it feels like a different world.

I am currently reading Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder. It is a biography on the life and work of Dr. Paul Farmer, likely a familiar name amongst circles concerned with global health issues and infectious disease/tuberculosis. He has concentrated a considerable amount of time, effort and passion into Haiti. The book has been a very thought-provoking and eye-opening read to me for many reasons, one reason being the fact that it is easy to think of Haiti, or any third world country for that matter, as a different world. A parallel existence. No grounds on which to compare. I’ve experienced moments of apathy: how can one person make any difference? And moments of frustration: with all the advances our world has made, why do people still live like this? And many moments of peace: God is in control.  A conversation from the book, that took place between the author and Dr. Farmer, touches on this thought:

“You started that letter on a hike in rural Haiti,” I mused aloud, thinking now of those arid highlands, of medieval peasant huts, donkey ambulances. “It seems like another world.”

Farmer looked up, smiling, and in a chirpy-sounding voice he said, “But that feeling has the disadvantage of being…” He paused a beat. “Wrong.”

“Well,” I retorted, “it depends on how you look at it.”

“No it doesn’t,” he replied, in a very pleasant voice. “The polite thing to say would be, ‘You’re right. It’s a parallel universe. There really is no relation between the massive accumulation of wealth in one part of the world and abject misery in another.’”

...Of all the world’s errors, he seemed to feel, the most fundamental was the “erasing” of people, the “hiding away” of suffering. “My big struggle is how people can not care, erase, not remember.”  

 

Since I am out of practice for proper citation, I am just going to provide that that excerpt came from pages 218-219 in the book and call it good.  *thumbs up*

So, to try and sum up my answer to the question I started this post with, it is this...it is hard to say if I am excited to go back to Haiti.  I love being home with the people I love most. Where things are comfortable, familiar, simple, accessible and easy to understand.  Where I feel loved, safe, wanted and understood. Where it seems easy to isolate myself and be oblivious to what is happening outside the walls of my home, outside the boundaries of my city, outside the borders of this country. Where I could erase things.

But I want to go back to Haiti. I am ready to continue investing in the friendships and relationships I am forming there. Ready to get back to working as a nurse. Ready to continue learning more about the interaction of politics, wealth, social systems and disease.  Ready to be challenged and encouraged by the faith and strength of the people. Ready to help and offer even the tiniest bit of relief and support to the families and children that come to our little compound. To me, it was never a question of IF I would go back, just a question of what my attitude would be when I returned.  Yes, I came home quickly and unexpectedly because of my Grandma.  But this time also served as a much needed time of reflection, refocus, and rejuvenation. A time I have been very grateful for, because we can’t just play a “take a break from life” card every time things get overwhelming and hard.  But I am thankful to God for the timing and blessing of this break home.  God knew. God knows. Bondye konnen.   

And now, a song full of more thanksgivings.